Joke thread

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The bug on the windshield

A man and a woman were driving down the road,
arguing about his deplorable infidelity when
suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacked their car windshield,
stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised,
the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It...it was only a bug" The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment she said..."Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
 
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes first ,
that way ,
when you criticize them ,
your a mile away ,
and you have their shoes ........
 
zen teaching .....

always remember your unique ,
just like everyone else ......
 
There was this meek little guy, a bookkeeper, who was only 5' 1" and 115 pounds and one day he goes into a whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants the biggest fattest blackest whore in the place. She looks at the little guy and asks him if he's sure that is what he wants and he said, the bigger and fatter and blacker the better. The madam said, ok, it's your money .... top of the stairs, first door on the right.

The little guy goes up the stairs and into the room and there is a MASSIVE fat woman covered with a sheet and she is as black as the inside of a cow's stomach and he smiled and said perfect.

She throws off the sheet and spreads her legs and the little guy stares at her a moment and the moves to another part of the room and stares a little more and then he climbs on a chair and stares down at her a while and keep doing this until the whore said, it's your time and money but if we're going to have sex we'd better get started before your time runs out.

The little guy said, I'm sorry, you have me all wrong, I'm not here for sex. My wife wants to paint the house black with pink shutters and I just want to see what it would look like.
 
A guy goes to a whorehouse but he's only got $5.00 so he asked the madam what he could get for $5.00. She said, we've got a dead whore, you can have her for $5.00.

The guy was not thrilled but he was so horny he agreed. He went to the room with the dead whore and he drilled the hell out of her.

When he was finished and leaving the madam asked him how it was. He said, actually it wasn't bad, but she kept drooling and her nose was running.

The madam said, oh, she must be full again.
 
burger

Question:how do you tell which clan a scotsman is in ?

Answer:look up his kilt,and if he's got a"quarter pounder"hes a Mc Donald.
 
paddys been arrested again

paddys been arrested for punching his wife again. in court the judge asks paddy, why do you kep beating her to which paddy replies, i think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork:p
 
Does anyone remember Brian from big brother?? :D

I noticed a horse running the other day called ... WELESE BWIAN !

Had me in stiches......
 
Joke

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed.
The chicken was smiling, looking up at the ceiling, and smoking a cigarette.
The egg rolls over and says: 'Guess we know who came first!':D-bk
 
batman and robin walked into a bar one night
robin looked over and said " damn aint that superman, wonder why hes gettin so drunk"
batman wonders too, so they both walk over to see whats goin on
batman says " superman, whats wrong? why are you gettin bombed? "
superman looks up drunk as piss and says " i had one helluva bad day"
robin speaks up " why? what happened today superman? "
superman begins to describe his day... " well i was flying along and saw a train about to run off the tracks...so i few down and laid on the tracks to save it "
batman says " thats nothin, you do that all the time "
superman responds.." yeah but then i was flyin along and saw a plane lose both its engines, so i helped it land safely "
robin says " yeah but you do that shit every day too superman "
superman says " yeah but then i was flying over an island and saw wonderwoman laying on the beach spread eagle nekkid as hell "
batman said " what did you do? "
superman said " i ripped off all my clothes, flew down there and started fuckin the shit out of her ! "
robin says " was wonderwoman surprised? "
superman says " no but the invisible man was ! "
 
Elmer Bud said:
G`day noshow

Job application .
awesome-job-application.jpg


Thanks for sharin

Elmer Bud .
Click to expand...

Thank you EB:D:D:D i needed that....very funny.
 
Hobo sausage party

Two tramps(hobo's)are walking past a chip shop argueing about where they are going to get a drink,when one of them spots a sausage on the floor and picks it up.
"Iv'e got a great idea" says the fellow with the sausage,"lets go to the pub".
"But we've got no money" says the other chap,"no problem says the fellow"and explains the plan to his mate.
The two tramps(hobo's)are in the pub,one says "Barman two pints of lager and two whiskeys please"
The barman serves the two gents who greedily guzzle down the beverages,when the landlord asks for the money for the drinks,the first tramp(hobo)pulls the sausage out of his flies,and his mate gets down on all fours
and starts sucking away at the sausage.Obviously the landlord goes ape and throws the two men into the street.
"Exellent plan mate free beers,lets try it again in the next pub"
All the pubs have closed and the two tramps(hobo's) are sitting on a park bench totally p.ssed,one says to the other,
"Fifteen pints for nothing you are a genius,you better look after that sausage and we'll do the same tommorow"
and the other fellow says,
"What sausage i lost that after the second pub mate":D
 
Texas Ranger

Pat Robertson and Glenn Beck were returning to Texas after a speaking engagement and when their plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport them to his home in El Paso. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the long haired male driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Pat gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie Texas Ranger operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 100 in a 55 mph zone. The Ranger pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young Ranger walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the Governor Rick Perry?" The young Ranger said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the former President Bush." The young Ranger said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it might be Jesus - because he's got Pat Robertson for a chauffer and Glenn Beck was on his knees in the back seat with his head on the other passengers lap bobbing up and down screaming "0h Lord come for me!!" The supervisor replied hold that limousine there until we can find Governor Perry we are good friends and I know Rick would just love the chance to get his knees and have the Lord come for him too!
 
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