Joke thread

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A gay couple decide that they want to have a baby so they both jerkoff into a cup and a female friend of theirs uses it to get pregnant.

Nine months later they go to the hospital to see their new baby and one of the guys says, look at our baby, he's the best of the bunch. He's the only one that's not crying.

A nurse says, he's not crying now but wait until we pull the pacifier out of his ass.
 
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ?" he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
 
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
 
Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
 
just a few to amke u giggle

an essex girl was involved in a road accident when the ambulance arrived the paramedic asked "how many fingers am i holding up"
"oh shit" she shouted "im paralised too"

guy walks into a bar an asked for 2 whiskeys str8 no ice, the barman asked "are you celebrating" "no said the customer i just found out my youngest son is gay"

2 weeks later he walks into same bar asked for 4 whiskeys str8 up no ice, again barman asked "are you celebrating" "no he replied i just found out my oldest son in gay"

2 weeks later he walks into same bar and asked for 6 whiskeys str8 up no ice,
the barman says "does no one in your family like pussy" "yes he said my wife"
 
Two men walk into a pub and go to the bar....
One say's to the barman "i'll have a pint of stout and a lager for the donkey here please".....
Twenty minutes later the same guy say's to the barman "another round for me and the donkey here please", and then went to the restroom....
So the barman turns to the other guy "why does your friend call you the donkey?"
"He al. he al. he always calls me that."
 
I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous! I was a bit embarrassed but she said

" Don't worry, im a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and i will check it out "

so i said

" My wife thinks my dick taste's funny... "
 
The Day The Penis Asked For A PAY RISE.

I hereby request a rise in salary because.

I do physical labour at great depths.

I don't get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely P.Niss

Response:

After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons.

You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods.

You need to be stimulated into starting work.

You leave the workplace rather messy after your shift and don't observe safety rules suck as protective clothing.

You cant work double shifts and you often dribble !


Yours Sincerely V.Gina
 
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,
I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.


The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number…
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
 
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies......Quit Laughing.
 
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A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."
 
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
 
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