Joke thread

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Little Bobby and Little Suzie were third graders and one day at recess Little Suzie came up to Little Bobby and said, Bobby, I heard some of the older boy use a word and I don't know what it is. Since You're a boy I though you could tell me what the word means.

Little Bobby asked, what's the word?

Little Suzie said, the word is penis.

Gee, said Little Bobby, I don't know what that means but I'll ask my dad tonight, he knows everything.

That night Little Bobby said, dad, I heard a word at school today and I don't know what it means, would you tell me what it means?

His dad said, sure son, what's the word?

The word is penis, said Little Bobby.

His dad said, well son, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you. So the two went to the bathroom and Little Bobby's dad pulled his penis out and said, son, this is a penis. And if I might add, it is the perfect penis.

Wow, gee, thanks dad, said Little Bobby.

The next morning Little Suzie was waiting outside the school for Little Bobby to arrive and when he got there she ran up to him and asked, Bobby, did your dad tell you what the word means? Did he tell you what penis is?

Little Bobby said he did and Little Suzy asked, what does the word mean, what's penis?

Little Bobby said, I'll tell you at recess.

As soon and the two got outside for recess Little Suzie said, Bobby, tell me what the word means, tell me what penis is.

Little Bobby said, Suzie, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you, let's go behind the school.

When the two got behind the school Little Bobby pulled out his penis and said, Suzie, this is a penis. And if I might add, if it were three inches shorter it would be the perfect penis.
 
Not a joke

This is not a joke, but funny, and along the lines of what Brick Top was saying. My mom, and dad Rest thier Souls. had a friend they made from when they retired. They'd go to Florida, and met another retired couple from Canada. This ladies boobs were so huge. The little poodle dog would just sit on them. Damn hahaha...Dad told me about it, and one day wouldn't you know it. I am sitting there, and the doggie jumps up and lays down on her boobs...lol...Be well all...Ns
 
Hahaha, funny stuff lads, here's another.

A mans's first day in prison and his cell mate could see he was nervous so told him thing's aren't too bad here, we like to mix it up a bit like "do you like football?"

"I love football" he replied

"Well then, on Mondays we get two teams together and have a game......do you like movies?"

Already smiling he said "sure, i've always been partial to a good movie"

"Great, on tuesdays we have a projector and we watch a movie......what about cards?"

"Love cards" he says with a big grin.

"Thats what we do on Wednesdays.......em you're not by chance a homosexual are you?"

"No no i definitely don't fly that way" came the reply

"Ooooohh" said the cell mate with a look of concern "you're not gonna like Thursdays
 
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There were two old men in their 90's sitting on a park bench and one said to the other, I bet you can't guess my age.

The other old man said he could and said, stand up, so the old man stood up.

The other old man then said, drop your pants.

The old man said I can't drop my pants here in a public park.

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age drop your pants, so the old man dropped his pants.

Next the other old man said, pull down your underpants.

The old man said, I can't to that, there are women and children around.

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age pull down your underpants, so the old man pulled down his underpants.

Now stick the index finger of your right hand up your ass, said the other old man.

The old man again protested but he did it anyway and right after the other old man said, your 94.

The old man said, that's amazing, how did you know I was 94?

The other old man said, you told me yesterday.
 
There were three gay guys in a hot tub. One of them looked down and saw a blob of cum floating on the surface of the water and he looked at the other two guys and said ..... OK, who farted?
 
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On Halloween a little boy with a speech impediment was getting ready to go trick or treating. He dressed up as a pirate, wore a three corner hat, an eye patch, had a fake parrot on his shoulder and a wooden sword and out he went to get candy.

At the first house he stopped at he rang the doorbell and when a woman opened the door the little boy said, brick or breat.

The woman said, what?

Again the little boy said, brick or breat and he held out his candy bag for the woman to see.

The woman said, oh, trick or treat. As she picked up a bowl of candy to give some to the little boy she asked him, and what are you my little man?

The little boy said, I'm a birate.

The woman said, what?

The little boy pointed at the three corner hat, eye patch, parrot and wooden sword and said, I'm a birate.

The woman said, oh, so you're a pirate. She looked around noticing that the little boy was all alone and she asked, if you're a pirate where's your buccaneers?

The little boy said, what?

The woman said, where's your buccaneers?

The little boy pointed at his ears and said, here's my buckin ears lady, where's your buckin eyes?
 
A man went to his Doctor's office to learn the results of a series of tests he underwent the week before. The Doctor said I'm very sorry to have to tell you this but you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease.

The man sat silent for a moment and had a shocked look on his face and then said, that's not good, but thank God I don't have cancer.
 
A man went to see his Doctor and his Doctor asked him what sort of problem he was having. The man said, Doc, I keep letting out silent farts, oh gee, there's one now. I just can't control them, oh gosh, there's another one. It's embarrassing, everywhere I go I keep letting out these silent farts and they're smelly, damn, there's two more, and they're disgusting and people stare at me, oops, there's another one. Doc, you have to help me, can you tell me what's wrong with me?

The Doctor said, well to begin with, you're going deaf.
 
A young sailor was on his first mission at sea and would not make port for several months. After about a week he was really horny and he asked an older sailor how do you stand it out here for months at a time without any women?

The older sailor said, I just go to the barrel every night.

The barrel, what's that, asked the young sailor.

The old sailor said meet me on the foredeck at 1900 hours and I'll show you.

At 1900 hours the young sailor got to the foredeck and there was a large barrel with a single hole in it and a long line of sailors standing in line. One after another a sailor would stick his weasel into the hole in the barrel and he would begin to moan and groan and finally he would climax and pull out of the hole in the barrel and another sailor would take his turn.

The young sailor thought this was really freaky but he was so horny and the other sailors seemed to enjoy it so much he took a place in line.

When his turn came the young sailor stuck his weasel into the hole in the barrel and instantly he felt a wet warm sensation and a tremendous amount of suction. He moaned and groaned and then climaxed and walked off thinking it won't be so bad being at sea for months without women after all.

Every night for the next week he was back on the foredeck at 1900 hours and took a turn at the barrel.

One day he saw the old sailor who had told him about the barrel so he stopped to thank him for telling him about it and when he went to go to his duty station the old sailor said, I'll see you at the barrel tonight.

The young sailor grinned and said how did you know I'd be at the barrel tonight?

The old sailor said, because tonight it's your turn in the barrel.
 
An old Jewish man was walking along a beach and he spotted something sticking out of the sand. He pulled it out and it was a very old lamp. It was covered in sand so he took his hand and started wiping the sand off the lamp and a Genie popped out.

The Genie said, for releasing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish.

The old Jewish man reached into his pocket and pulled out an old map and unfolded it and pointed to the Middle East. He said for thousands of years there has been nothing but pain and suffering and war and strife here. My wish it that you put an end to all of that and make the Middle East a beautiful safe good place to live.

The Genie thought a moment and said, I am a very powerful Genie but that is beyond my powers, but I will let you pick another wish.

The old Jewish man thought for a few minutes and said, I have been married to my wife for 40 years and she has never given me a blow job. In 40 years, not one single blow job, not one. For my wish I want you to make my wife give me just one blow job, just one single blow job is all I ask for.

The Genie thought about it a moment and said, can I have another look at that map?
 
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
 
A middle aged woman who always ended up with men that would beat her or run around with other women and who never in her life had a really good lover decided to run an ad in a singles newspaper seeking what she called the perfect man and the perfect lover, one that would not beat her, not run around with other women and one that could satisfy her in bed.

Man after man answered her ad coming to her house and she interviewed each of them and then had sex with them and she just didn't trust any of them and none of them satisfied her in bed.

She figured that she would never meet a perfect man for her and about then she heard her doorbell ring. She opened the door and no one was there. She started to close the door and she heard a man's voice say, hey, down here.

She looked down and there was a man with no arms and no legs lying by her door. She asked him why he was there.

He replied that he was answering the ad for the perfect man that wold never beat her or run around with other women and would be a perfect lover.

The woman said, I don't want to be rude but I have interviewed over a hundred men already and none of them came close to being what I am looking for so what makes you think you would be him.

He assured her that he was the perfect man for her. She said, but you don't have any arms. He replied, then I can't beat you. She said that's true, but you don't have any legs either. He replied, then I can't run around with other women. Again she had to agree. Then she said but what makes you think you could be a great lover? The man replied, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
 
There was an old man and an old woman in a nursing home and every night when it got dark they would meet at a bench on the lawn and the old woman would open the old man's pant and hold his weasel and they would just sit there.


One night the old woman went to the bench and the old man didn't show up. The next night the old woman went to to the bench and again the old man didn't show up. This went on for about a week and then one day she saw him in the cafeteria.

She went over and asked him why he stopped meeting her every night. He pointed across the cafeteria at another old woman and said, I sit with her now every night.

The old woman asked him why he was sitting with the other old woman now instead of her and the old man said, because she had Parkinson's Disease.
 
Two guys worked side by side on an assembly line that was almost totally automated so they didn't have anyone else to talk to other than each other.

Whatever one guy would talk about the other guy always had to top it. When the first guy started getting into hobbies everything he got into the second guy would start doing it too and he always had to top the first guy. It was model railroading and then radio controlled cars and then radio controlled planes, and the second guy always had stories about what he was doing that topped what the first guy said he was doing.

Then the first guy got into hunting and bought a hunting dog, a really good, really well trained one, and he knew this time the second guy couldn't even try to say he could top him.

Sure enough the second guy said he started hunting and that he bought the best dog in the world. He went on and on about the dog making it sound better than a combination of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Benji.

Finally the first guy had enough of it and said, this weekend we're taking our dogs and going hunting and we'll see who has the better dog.

On Saturday they drove out into the country and started walking through fields and small patched of woods and the dogs were just ahead of them noses to the ground sniffing away.

The second guy's dog, the dog of the guy who bragged so much stopped, pointed and tapped his owner on the leg once with his tail. The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, sure, so what?

The second guy said, he's saying there's one bird in that bush.

The first guy said, right, how stupid do you think I am? Do you think I would really believe that?

The second guy said, make some noise.

The first guy walked a little closer to the bush and stomped around a bit and one bird flew out and bang, he got it.

The first guy was stunned. He thought maybe the second guy wasn't lying about his dog being really great after all.

They walked for about 45 minutes without anything happening and by then the first guy had convinced himself that it had been a fluke, something that happened by pure chance and it would never happen again.

Suddenly the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and this time the dog tapped his owner on the leg twice with his tail.

The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, yes, but so what?

The second guy said, he's telling me that there's two birds in that bush.

The first guy said, give it up, I'm not that stupid, the first time was a fluke, there aren't two birds in that bush.

The second guy said, make some noise.

Again the first guy moved closer to the bush and made some noise and two birds flew out and bang, bang, they each got one.

Now the first gut is totally stunned. He's thinking that the second guys dog is even way better than the way the second guy had bragged about it.

They walked for almost two hours with nothing happening and the first guy had been thinking about it and decided that it was still a fluke the first time and a coincidence the second time. He knew that no dog could be that good.

About then the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and then turned around and started humping away like mad on his owners leg.

The first guy dropped his shotgun and fell to the ground and was rolling around laughing and said, what's he telling you now?

The second guy said, he's telling me there's so fu@king many birds in that bush that he can't count them all.
 
General Custer's widow decided she wanted a large painting made that would capture her late husbands last thoughts before he died. She went to a famous artist and explained what she wanted and asked him if he could capture her late husbands last thoughts on canvas.

He thought about it a while and said he could do it. It would take him several months because of the scale of the painting she wanted and the complexity of the painting, but he would contact her as soon as the painting was finished.

Several months later the artist wrote Mrs. Custer and said the painting was ready. She went to his studio and there was a single chair sitting in front of a massive painting that was covered by a large piece of cloth.

She sat down and the artist uncovered the painting and Mrs. Custer looked at it and was very puzzled and not at all happy with the painting.

The painting was a landscape of The Little Big Horn and all over the ground there were Indians having sex and up in the sky there was a large cow with a halo.

Mrs. Custer said, I don't think you understood what I wanted, I wanted a painting that would capture my husbands last living thoughts.

The artist said he had fully understood her and his painting did exactly that, it showed exactly what her husband was thinking just before he died.

She said she didn't understand it at all and asked the artist to explain it to her.

As he pointed at the large cow with a halo in the sky and the Indians having sex all over The Little Big Horn he said this is precisely what your husband was thinking, Holy cow, look at all the fu@king Indians!
 
Do you know what the difference is between an old nun and a young prostitute who is taking a bath is?


One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.
 
In the days of the old sailing ships the Captain of a British Man of War was on deck when the call came down from the lookout in the crow's nest saying that a Spanish ship was spotted coming over the horizon.

Knowing there would be a battle the British Captain told his cabin boy to go and get his his red jacket. A sailor asked the Captain why he wore his red jacket when they went into battle.

The British Captain said, the men have to have faith that I am able to lead them for us to be successful and win every encounter and if I am wounded the blood will match my red jacket and the men will not know I am wounded and become worried and instead remain confident I can lead them to victory.

About that time the lookout in the crow's nest yelled down that five more Spanish ships were spotted coming over the horizon.

The British Captain turned to his cabin boy and said, while you're in my cabin getting my red jacket bring me my brown trousers too.
 
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?



Good morning ladies.
 
A guy goes to a girl's house to pick her up for a date and he gives her a dozen roses.

She said, I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.

The guy said, why, don't you have a vase?
 
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