Joke thread

  • Thread starter Thread starter noshow
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After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday ..

But strangely , once she had killed herself i started to feel a lot better ,

so i thought fuck it soldier on ....!!
 
HaHa

Hi guys,

I told my wife the last two. She thought they were funny too...Ns
 
Dang, where did all the jokers go?

Well here's one for you folks.



It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
 
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".
 
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpiness and peace into people lives?"

Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
 
Do you know what the difference is between making love to a hooker, a mistress or a wife is?

A hooker says; hurry up, hurry up.

A mistress says; take your time, take your time.

A wife says; beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
 
Hi All

Thank you all for the many good editions left here...They help me, and I know others much. I haven't said this in awhile, but thank you all for the funnies, and chuckles. Be well...Ns
 
Frank was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Frank, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
 
Whats the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman ??

Ironman is a superhero
and iron woman is a simple instruction ..
 
Two blondes were standing across a river from each other ...
One yelled to the other ,
"how do you get across to the other side ??"

to which the other blonde yelled back ,

"you are on the other side !!!"
 
Dr Don wasnt feeling himself ..
He had recently had a sexual encounter with one of his patients.
He told himself it was perfectly normal and happened all the time.
But a little voice in the back of his head kept saying ,
"But Don your a vet !!!"
 
tyou

Elmer, Donald Mallard, Josh...Any others I may have forgotten...Thank You all my friends...Peace may it be with you all...Ns
 
A Polish lumberjack saw an ad in a shop window "chainsaw guaranteed to cut 60 trees a day" and as he had a quota of 45 a day he bought it.
A week later he brought the chainsaw back to the shop complaining that it was only cutting 30 trees a day at best, so the shopkeeper had a look over the chainsaw and when he started it the lumberjack jumped back and yelled out "what the f#%k is that noise.
 
good one

Hi Celtic Good One...Here is one of my own...



Two guys were out in the woods cutting trees down.

A snake jumpes up, and bites one guy square in his dick.

He scream out, and tells the other guy to run into twon, and ask the Doctor what he could do to save him.

So his buddy runs off, and gets into twon as fast as he can.

He get's to the Doctor, and asks him what he can do to help his buddy.

Doctor asks him what is wrong?

To which the hunter replies. My friend was bit by a snake.

Doc says well then you need to suck the venom out of the wound.

He thanks the Doctor, and runs back to his dying friend.

His friend asks him. What did the Doctor say.

Too which the second guy says. Bad news friend...Your going to die...


Likely a bad joke, or told off. Damn meds...lol...Be well all...Ns
 
LOL! Good jokes.

Here's one:



One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
 
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