Joke thread

joshuahazen said:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Click to expand...

Thanks for that:)
 
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
 
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
 
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
 
Paul, an accomplished juggler was driving to his next performance in Baltimore when he is stopped by the Highway patrol.
'What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?' enquires the cop.
'I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,' announces Paul amiably.
'Oh yeah?' says the doubtful cop. 'Let's see you do it then.'
Sighing, Paul the juggler climbs out of his motor and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. 'Wow,' says the driver to his wife. 'I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now.'
 
Jokes

Good ones all of you. Joshua, and all. Thanks to you I have been having many more laughs than usual. Even if for a minute. I appreciate it. I have some jokes I'm working on rewording as to not offend anyone. Please keep them comming till then.

Moose I forgot all about that Dea dumbass. That is as priceless as can be. Be well friend...Ns
 
Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.
The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?'
'Yes, sir, they were.'
'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?'
'Yes, sir, she did.'
'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?'
'She said, "What disco am I at?'' '
 
Ten Signs of a Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
 
A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.
 
Hi All

Hi All,

All yu guys that have been posting. Joshua, Mastertrooper, elmer, and others. Thank you much. I know this helps me, and others too. I will not be posting much more until better. Yet felt a quick thanks is in order. I just went thru hell with a headache. So some funnies sure help. Thank you all...Ns
 
noshow said:
Hi All,

All yu guys that have been posting. Joshua, Mastertrooper, elmer, and others. Thank you much. I know this helps me, and others too. I will not be posting much more until better. Yet felt a quick thanks is in order. I just went thru hell with a headache. So some funnies sure help. Thank you all...Ns
Click to expand...

Well glad I can help, Thank you, I hope you feel better soon.

Here's one:



An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 
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Hello folks!,

if anyone in any way feels offended with this "joke" I will gladly remove NP's.:cool:








To:
All Al Queda Fighters From: Bin Laden, Osama Subject:

The Cave?.

Hi guys.
Weve all been putting in long hours recently but weve really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we cant forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

Firstly;

While its good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily.

Ive done my bit on the cleaning rota have you? Ive posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halaal toaster).

Second;

Its not often I make a video address but when I do, Im trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the worlds population, okay ?.

This means while were taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the Wassup thing. Thanks!.

Third;

Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote Ossy on the front, and put it on the top shelf.

Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone.

Consideration. Thats all Im saying?!.

Fourth;

Im not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidels bat and ball games.

Please do not chant Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five;

Graffiti!!!?. To whoever wrote OSAMA F**KS DONKEYS on the group toilet wall, its a lie.

The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six;

The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, this is a grey area.)

Finally;

Weve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.
I want to set up patrols to look for them.

First patrol will be?!!!.

Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.


P.s. - Im sick of having Osamas Bed Linen scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, its not funny anymore.
 
A blonde takes her broken down car to the garage.
Mechanic says nothing serious love..
just shit in the air filter,brilliant,says the blonde
how often do i av to do that....:)
 
This one is for all the dog lovers out there

A Poodle, a Labrador and a Great Dane were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Labrador turned to the Poodle and asked, "Woof, So why are you here?"
The Poodle replied, "Woof, I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the chair, the table, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Labrador asked, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"He's going to cut my nuts off "replied the Poodle. "They think it will calm me down." The Poodle then turned to the Labrador and asked "Why are you here? "
The Labrador replied, "I'm a digger. I dig everywhere...under fences, holes in the lawn, I just love to dig. When I'm inside, I even dig up the carpets. But I went over the top yesterday when I dug up my owners pot plants in the garden."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Poodle asked.
"I will probably be losing my nuts too," the Labrador replied.
The Labrador then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "So why are you here then?"
"Woof, I'm a humper," replied the Great Dane. "I will hump anything...the chair, the table, the cat, and the kids toys. I just love humping. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on her back and started humping away."
The Labrador and Poodle exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's off with your nuts too then?"
The Great Dane replied with a big smile on his face, "No no, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 
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