Joke thread

joshuahazen

New member
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children" St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a knee surgeon, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
 

Elmer Bud

Banned
G`day Dr LD
how are you goin bro ? I follow / coach Aussie Rule football here in Oz . I am just happy to see international competition for the AFL players , as a lot of good players have chosen other sports so they could be Australian representatives .I have been disgusted with a lot of the foul play in recent series ! But I am intreagued by the contrasting styles of play of the 2 teams ,the kick and run of the Aussies and the football /soccer skills of the Irish . The Paddies certainly put more in the back of the net .
Anyway heres an Irish Classic Rory Galaher http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1zsRRt1FWE
Thanks for sharin .
Elmer Bud .
 

joshuahazen

New member
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

Dr. LittleDeath

New member
Elmer Bud;
Thanks for the reply. I've been to Oz 3 times (learnt to scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef) and always had a ball.
The rugby style tackling is an aspect of International rules that isn't present in Gaelic football. It certainly makes the game a lot more physical looking. Gaelic football is strictly amateur so as sure as eggs are eggs a cash hungry player will disappear down under once he becomes well known. At the higher levels (county and provincial) it's a highly skilled game but at the local club level it's rough as f**k. Fights all over the place.
I once had my leg badly broken in an accident and there was a guy in the same hospital ward as me who'd been playing Gaelic and went in for a tackle. The other player clipped his kneecap which then moved all the way round to the back of his leg. He was left screaming on the pitch until there was a break in the game!!!!!!

As this is a joke thread:-
What's the difference between an egg and a blowjob?
You can beat an egg.

The incomparable Rubber Bandits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYO2GffqnmI

Regards
Dr. LD
 

bushweed

New member
Now if the Aussie Rules football boys were to meet the Irish Rugby Union football boys - let me say the rough stuff would probably tip the other way - in favour of the Paddies:D

Speaking of which:

Hear about the Irish dog that pissed in the gutter?

- he fell off the roof:D
 

bushweed

New member
This one's politically incorrect, so if anyone takes offense - register a complaint and I'll delete it:

Here about the thalidomide porn star?

- he had an arm the size of a baby's cock...
 

Dr. SuperBud

New member
Quote:
Originally Posted by coop
a crafts section would be nice, i would like to learn how to make a tinfoil hat.

very quick and easy....
 

joshuahazen

New member
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
 

joshuahazen

New member
Computers with a sense of humor?
Voted the World's Funniest computer generated joke:


"What kind of murderer has moral fiber?" — "A cereal killer”
 

joshuahazen

New member
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
 

elmo

New member
Whats the difference between a microwave oven and a gay?

A microwave oven dont brown yer sausage :)
 

joshuahazen

New member
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."
 
N

noshow

Guest
Hi guys, and gals...

Hi All,

Elmo, Josh, and all...Thank You very much for the jokes. They can be some of the best medicine to someone in pain. I enjoy reading the new jokes, and have had more laughs reading them than I have laughed in the last year. I have a few new, well old ones that I will post up soon. Be well all...Ns
 
N

noshow

Guest
Nasa jokes

Does anyone object to jokes about NASA, or the space shuttle? If I don't hear anything against it. I will post some jokes here in the next few days...Ns
 

joshuahazen

New member
as long as its funny, I don't mind.
most welcome.
here's a good one:

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
 

joshuahazen

New member
I hope no one finds this offensive.


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
 
Top