Joke thread

Pickled

New member
Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it, he phones the police and says "Bejesus I've found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb". The operator asks, "Is it tickin?", Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef".

Nintendo have brought out a game, where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow, smashing cars, stabbing people and robbing houses...... It's called Wii Bastard!

Paddy rings his new girlfriends door bell with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, see's the flowers and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers". "Dont be feckin daft" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere".


I am Irish but if anyone finds offensive please message me and I'll remove, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!
 

noshow

Well-known member
hahah

Pickled don't worry my friend. I have always felt like. If you can't make fun of yourself. You have not earned the right to make fun of others. Now I'm not saying it's cool to go bashing people, but I see nothing in your joke's that are hurtful. I'd always be at parties, and I'd rip myself up, and friends. Me, and another friend were always the life of the party. Joking on us, them etc. He always thought we'd make a greatd comedy team. He'd perform, and we'd both write the acts. So keep 'em comming guys. They are funny...Ns
 

MasterTrooper

New member
Barely Legal Little League
Posted at: 2009-11-25 02:31:59

Original ad:
We are a little league team looking for a sponsor for the upcoming season. Email if you are interested in helping out. Thanks!
From Me to ********@***********.org

Good afternoon,

I came across your ad looking for a sponsor for your little league team. I am interested if you still need one. Let me know, and we can discuss the details.

Thanks,
Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Hey Mike,
My name is Joe. I have been the coach of this team and greatly appreciate the offer. We still do need a sponsor and I would like to hear what you have to offer. The league will not start up again until mid-April so we will have some time. Let me know what you were thinking for sponsorship, you can email or call me anytime at (***)***-****
Thanks,
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

Joe,

I am glad to hear you are still interested. I would like to have my company name on your team's uniform and fence sign. How much would it cost to do this?

Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,
The cost to fully sponsor our team would be $800. It would cover ordering the jerseys and equipment. At the end of the season you will be recognized at our ceremony and will receive a framed photo of the team and your own uniform. What is your company's name and do you have a website?
Thanks,
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

That sounds reasonable Joe. I am the founder of an adult film company called BarelyLegalSuperSluts. We specialize in 18+ amateur pornography and I would like to get our name out there. We plan on lanuching our site around April, so I think the timing would be perfect with your league. I can forward you our logo and we will discuss designs for the uniforms.

Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Mike,
Do you realize this sponsorship is for a little league team?
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

Yes, you told me that. I think it is great that I'll be able to help kids enjoy America's greatest pastime.

From Joe ********* to Me:

and you honestly expect a bunch of kids to be sporting a jersey that says Barely Legal Super Sluts?

From Me to Joe *********:

Is it too long to fit on the jersey? We could just call them the Super Sluts for short as long as the sign on the field included the link to our website.

From Joe ********* to Me:

No that isn't the problem. This team is for kids and we can't have them wearing shirts that say Super Sluts on them. It is highly offensive and the league most likely wouldn't even allow it.

From Me to Joe *********:

How about we call them the Barely Legal Little Leaguers? I would include a free copy of our Super Sluts Slurping Loads DVD for every parent that attends the game. The DVD features over 3 hours of sluts with hilarious outtakes and alternate endings. I could even have a few of our stars come out and mud wrestle during the 7th inning stretch. I think it could pull in a lot more of an audience for your little league.

From Joe ********* to Me:

No! Thats even worse! Look Mike I appreciate you trying to help our team out but this is absolutely the wrong place to be advertising your porn. If you would still like to contribute you can but we cannot have your company name associated with our team.

From Me to Joe *********:

If this is how you treat every sponsor that wants to help your team out, you will never get any money. Sooner or later you are going to have to whore yourself out to someone, which is a valuable lesson learned in my Big Sluts: Big Loads DVD. I could give that one out to the parents instead, due to the educational value.

From Joe ********* to Me:

You just dont quit do you? Aint happening so go to hell!

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=76

http://dontevenreply.com/
 

Nevil

Breeder
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 

radiokaos

New member
doctor rings the husband and explains,,your wife is here and im afraid there,s been a mix up with her test results,,,so we dont no if she,s got Alzheimers or Aids...Husband replies how am i supposed to no wot to do...doctor says im going to put her on the wrong bus,,if she finds her way home dont fuk her....:p
 

noshow

Well-known member
Good jokes

Hi All,

This thread has really taken off as of late. Thank you all to have contributed. It helps me, and I hope any others who face some grim days with pain, and any other issue. Please by all means. Keep 'em cuming<<Uh huh he said...lol
 

Nevil

Breeder
4. Reintarnation (or reintardation): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
This one keeps me chuckling and I didn't say anything about Queenslanders.
N.
 
Last edited:

radiokaos

New member
guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40yrs.
the hitman says..it will take 1 shot just
below her left tit..hubby says..
i want her dead not fuckin kneecapped:p
 

MasterTrooper

New member
From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Logo Design

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the
moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to
peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this
week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days?
I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If the deal
goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed
earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be
delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based
on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached
pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.




From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did
not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than
you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a
dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both
commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was
commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not
commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had
traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for
technology based projects that have already been put into application by
other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the
enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled
forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer
networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial
viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only
the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but
working with you in general.

Regards, David.




From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project
has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts,
share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your
short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time
machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching
the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's
portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the
drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time
and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the
footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the
nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated
'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back
four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream
packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to
do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan
equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before
finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term
photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a
haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about.
The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a
year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from
you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design




From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not
you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a
logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few
fucking hours.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken
me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts.
Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or
website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the
airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living.
Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook
is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of
free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me
or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design




From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.

http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/

Use the link for more drama! like Missing Missy and Obvious Foggot
 

noshow

Well-known member
Mastertrooper

My friend...Those are some funny back, and forth's. If you got more post them up. Good, and funny...Ns

Nevil,

I love those different words. If you have anymore please post them up...Ns

Also anymore funny pictures like the smoking crab, or similar would be great...Ns

To All,

Thank you for the laughs. It helps greatly, and is some of the best medicine for me, and I am sure others who don't have much to laugh at. Good on all of you...Ns
 

kylebroflovski

New member
Three NFL fans are scaling a mountain, a Titans fan, a Ravens fan and a Steelers fan.

The Tennessee Titans fan gets to the top of the mountain and yells I love my team so much I'm willing to die for my them! He yells Go Titans, then throws his body off the cliff.

The Ravens fan is next he gets next to the cliff and yells I love the Ravens so much I'm willing to...

He shoves the Pittsburgh Steelers fan off the cliff and yells Go Ravens!!!

KB

Edit - Unrelated funny link. Baby chest hair!?!?!?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnWTwmoUi4c&feature=youtube_gdata_player
 
Last edited:

joshuahazen

New member
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
 

Elmer Bud

Banned
G`day noshow
Thanks for the thread bro, yep laughter is the best medicine as far as I`m concerned .
Here`s a couple for ya :





Thanks for sharin
Elmer Bud.
 

noshow

Well-known member
HI All,

Yes laughter helps so much. My lil son the most, and my children. My friends here, and these jokes. Thanks Elemer, but I say this is everyones thread. It just started as idea for us all to enjoy. So thank you to all who have contributed. I am trying to re-word some so I don't get in too much trouble...lol...Ns

My Famous Book Titles:

1. Sliding down a Flat Pole by Richard Burns
2. Brown Stains on the Wall by Who flung Poo
3. Rusty Bed Springs by I Pee Nightly
4. Red River Flows by Max E. Pad

I have other jokes. I will tell when we get mor here. I love the pictures Elemer. Those are some funny ass ones too...Ns
 

radiokaos

New member
Boy asks his mum,why am i black and ur white?mum replies dont even go there..The state of me at that party,your lucky u dont f..king bark..:p
 

joshuahazen

New member
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
Top