Joke thread

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?'
I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him,
"Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The man replies, "Boobs!"

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.


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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.


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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said
"I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?
I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "


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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
 
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.


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HOW TO SELL ... TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless.


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A recent study shows that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
 
3 men get lost in the jungle, then get captured by a local tribe

they were told "we will let you go if u can go off into the jungle and bring back 10 pieces of fruit each"

So off goes Man #1 and he brings pack 10 apples

the tribe then said "put them up ur ass, if u make any noise we will shoot you"

Man #1 manages 5 apple then starts groaning in pain so he gets shot and goes to Heaven

Man number #2 comes back with 10 grapes

the tribe then said "put them up ur ass, if u make any noise we will shoot you"

Man #2 manages to fit 9 grapes in his ass but he starts laughing so he gets shot and goes to Heaven

Man #1 says to Man #2 "why did u laugh? u could of got away"

Man #2 said I couldn't help it,

" I saw Man #3 come back with pineapples"
 
Do you know how to make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


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Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming!


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Betty and Johnny die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"


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How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.


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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
 
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.


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I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.


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Told my wife I was getting her diamonds for her birthday. She said "Nothing would please me more."
So I didn't get her anything.


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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.


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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.



Taco Tuesday?
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