Joke thread

[longball]

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I don't like, then burn them. Did that. Now I don't know what to do with the letters.





Our dog ate all of the tiles from our Scrabble game. My wife took the dog to the Vet. After a few hours my wife called the Vet. The Vet said, "There is no word yet. We are watching for a vowel movement. Meanwhile they are keeping a consonant watch on the dog.





The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted with this triumphant announcement: "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!"

 

[Uncle Jack]

 

[musashi]

 

[musashi]

 

[Fish]

 

[longball]

A midget went to the Dr. saying that his nuts hurt. Dr. picks him up and puts him on the exam table and tells him to drop his pants. Then he puts one finger under the midget's left nut and tells him to cough. Then he does the same with the right nut. Dr. says that he sees the problem. He gets a pair of scissors and snips away for a few minutes. The midget is getting nervous but doesn't feel anything. Finally, the Dr. sets the midget on the ground and tells the midget to walk around. The midget does and says everything feels fine. He tells the Dr. that he heard him cutting with the scissors but didn't feel anything. Dr. says "I cut the top 2 inches off your cowboy boots".

 

[longball]

That joke made me think about when New York made Midget Tossing illegal. Hell, I didn't even know it was a thing. "Dwarf-tossing, also called midget-tossing, is a pub/bar attraction or activity in which people with dwarfism, wearing special padded clothing or Velcro costumes, are thrown onto mattresses or at Velcro-coated walls. Participants compete to throw the person with dwarfism the furthest. Dwarf-tossing was started in Australia as a form of pub entertainment in the early 1980s. A related, formerly practiced activity was dwarf-bowling, in which a person with dwarfism was placed on a skateboard and used as a bowling ball."

It appears to be not as illegal as I thought? https://dwarftossing.com/

Hiring a sinister little midget with a bucket and a mop to guard the 'Dumpster of Destiny' is one thing. He gets paid well, with benefits, unions, etc. but this other stuff?

 

[quinxstar]

https://mrnice.nl/forum/data/xfmg/video/84/84776-6f8df66199b4c7d721069f21d37bb43e.mp4

 

[Uncle Jack]

 

[musashi]

I love Chappelle and believe in the first amendment (freedom of speech) not just for comedians. "I hate that feeling... Got a find a way to forgive each other..."

 

[musashi]

 

[musashi]

 

[longball]

Hmmm, yummy! Did you make it yourself, musashi?

 

[Fish]

 

[musashi]

 

[longball]

Got a real 'Jap' motor!






PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY OBITUARY
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[musashi]

Subject: A Love Letter

You don’t often see this level of care and devotion in relationships today.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake, while I was talking on my cell phone.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.

I missed our bikes.

I am sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality, you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XXOOXXOO!


P.S: Your girlfriend phoned; she's pregnant.

 

[musashi]

 

[longball]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard sees him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

[longball]

Never look back, something may be gaining on you.




My boss told me, "Do you want my opinion of your work. It's worthless!!"

I told him, "That's OK, give me your opinion anyway"