Joke thread

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It is Tax Day here in the good ol' US of A. If I owe them money I file an extension to hold off paying them as long as I can while I collect interest on my money. If they owe me money then I file on the first day possible, they ain't making shit off my money. Some years they audit you and you have to go in and chat with them. Nosy phuckers they are....

This year Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Longball, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Longball shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Longball. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Longball says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Longball removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Longball says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Longball isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Longball removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand dollars, with Longball's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Longball asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Longball stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pisses all over the IRS auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a $3,000 win. But Longball's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Longball told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
 
Ahh I see @Freedom_Fighter you’re a trumper, I wouldn’t have figured you for that with your always searching for the truth posts?
Kinda conflicted 😐 and I didn’t even realize I posted a trump meme till after all the Biden replies. Guess it was just mental slip associating trump with lier lier pants on fire. I’m not a Biden fan or even a democrat so I won’t post anything trump and you don’t have to respond in kind…


/steve
 
CanaViper said:
Ahh I see @Freedom_Fighter you’re a trumper...
Click to expand...

To the contrary, CanaViper; I'm not a "trumper" but a hardcore Libertarian. However, if asked who was the better president, Trump or Biden, I would have no problem saying Trump, though he was far from perfect. I utterly despise how he handled the pandemic and his baby "Operation Warp-speed" was a complete disaster, imho.

In short, I despise communism and most forms of socialism, even when it's dressed up and sold by different names. It was Shakespeare who said that a rose is still a rose by any other name, and the same is true of socialism / communism. An evil freedom-hating commie is still a commie by any other name; whether Democrat or Republican (RINO).

Many Democrats run as RINOS in Red States because they know it's harder, if not impossible to get elected in certain areas under the Democrat banner. The same is true of the left-leaning RINO. They know their chance of being elected in certain areas is much better if they run as a Democrat.

Though I despise most forms of socialism, I mean I'm open to some limited socialist policies on a practical level, like healthcare/medicare for all tax-paying citizens. NOT for illegal aliens. If I were president, not a single dime would have gone to funding the Ukraine war, or international abortion mills. It would have all gone into Medicare for All, repairing infrastructure and securing the southern border.

The constant unceasing attack on Trump, by the government, represents an ever creeping form of socialism; and I thoroughly despise it more than words can possibly describe. The way they have persecuted him & his family is a total disgrace; and I think it's the height of intellectual dishonesty and hypocrisy for anyone to think or pretend that Biden isn't as much a liar as Trump, if not worse.

Cheers! - FF
 
With the rising cost of groceries, I did some research to see what the least expensive meat would be. Turns out deer testicles are the cheapest, they are under a buck! They are currently BOGO too.

-------

Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: When she fits in your wife’s clothes! 🥁

----

A Boot Hill epitaph:

Knott was shot, but Schott was not
So twas better to be Schott than Knott.

---

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's give nicknames to our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy" 7-Up" because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy "Mountain Dew" because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

The third lady then says, " I'm gonna name my Leroy, "Kahlua"

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Kahlua" ? That's not a soda pop... that's a liqueur !"

THAT'S MY Leroy!"
 
Italian couple gets married and also live in the same house as mama. Man starts to take off his shirt on their wedding night. Wife blushes and sez, "Excusa me!" She runs across the hallway and sez, "Mama it's a our a wedding night, husband take off a his shirt and has hair on his chest." Mama sez, "Men a have a hair on their chest. Be a good wife and no worry. She goes back to the bedroom and he's taking off his pants. "Excusa me!" She run back across the hallway, "Mama, he's a take off a his pants, got hair on his legs!" Mama sez, "Men a have a hair on their legs too, you go back and be a good wife." She goes back to find him take off his shoes, where she sees he's missing part of his foot from the war. She screams. "Excusa me," runs across the hallway. "Mama, mama he's a take off his shoes and only has a foot and a half!" Mama replies, " You better let your mama take care of this one!"
 
Freedom_Fighter said:
To the contrary, CanaViper; I'm not a "trumper" but a hardcore Libertarian. However, if asked who was the better president, Trump or Biden, I would have no problem saying Trump, though he was far from perfect. I utterly despise how he handled the pandemic and his baby "Operation Warp-speed" was a complete disaster, imho.

In short, I despise communism and most forms of socialism, even when it's dressed up and sold by different names. It was Shakespeare who said that a rose is still a rose by any other name, and the same is true of socialism / communism. An evil freedom-hating commie is still a commie by any other name; whether Democrat or Republican (RINO).

Many Democrats run as RINOS in Red States because they know it's harder, if not impossible to get elected in certain areas under the Democrat banner. The same is true of the left-leaning RINO. They know their chance of being elected in certain areas is much better if they run as a Democrat.

Though I despise most forms of socialism, I mean I'm open to some limited socialist policies on a practical level, like healthcare/medicare for all tax-paying citizens. NOT for illegal aliens. If I were president, not a single dime would have gone to funding the Ukraine war, or international abortion mills. It would have all gone into Medicare for All, repairing infrastructure and securing the southern border.

The constant unceasing attack on Trump, by the government, represents an ever creeping form of socialism; and I thoroughly despise it more than words can possibly describe. The way they have persecuted him & his family is a total disgrace; and I think it's the height of intellectual dishonesty and hypocrisy for anyone to think or pretend that Biden isn't as much a liar as Trump, if not worse.

Cheers! - FF
Click to expand...
I was a little confused about your handle as well, thanks for the explanation.

Freedom Fighter is a term I would have normally associated with Socialism and the struggle for equal rights. haha

But I get it now you are talking about individual rights, specifically your rights.

We need to be careful with our ism's though,

The problem from my perspective is not capitalism, socialism, communism or any other ism.

The problem is humans and how corruptible they are.

I would also like to say that we are a social animal not really designed as Apex predators who live and hunt alone.

Ayn Rand has a lot to answer for..
 
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