Joke thread

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A hunter swings his shotgun and wings a duck and it proceeds earthbound 100 yards away. As he nears the fall he notices a fence between him and his prize. He carefully squeezes through the barbed wire and as he bends down to retrieve the duck, he hears an abrupt voice, “What the hell you doing on my property.” Startled, he replies, “I’m just getting the duck I just shot.” Farmer sez, “Hell you are.” After a moment farmer sez, “We’ll settle this right now, last one standing after getting kicked between the legs gets the duck, me first.” Hunter agrees and after getting a kick that leaves him writhing on the ground for a few, he stands up ready to deliver his turn. At that point farmer sez, “F*k it, keep the duck.”
 
This actually happened last Saturday/Shabbat after services in our synagogue... I couldn't stop laughing and thought of sharing this joke.

I was talking to a friend and suddenly lost track of what we were talking about (yes, a bird caught my attention and I stopped listening to my buddy). I asked him if he could repeat what he just said and apologized for it while explaining that I sometimes have a challenge concentrating. Another friend overheard our conversation and told me "Then maybe we should send you to a concentration camp..."

:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
noshow said:
Hey all lets start a joke thread. Maybe to help those having a not so good day have a laugh. Let's try our best to keep it clean, and civilized...Here is a start...



During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
Click to expand...
why did M&M want to go to school?

It wanted to be a smartie
 
Ha classics!
Old 70-80's joke

Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
 
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier. Due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.



Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



The Master Chief answered,

"Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."



The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.



The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered,

"Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."



The Admiral threw him out as well.



The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"



To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said,

"Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."



The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

"And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.



The Sergeant Major replied:

"Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear. "
 
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