Joke thread

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A long story.....

I AM MY OWN GRANDPA!

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me mad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

I'm my own gran'pa! I'm my own gran'pa!
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so I'm my own gran'pa!
Credit: www.countrywhispers.com
 
hey all. this isn't so much a joke, more of a funny anecdote.. when i was in highschool, there was this kid who was kind of a local legend- not for anything but his name. u might have to sound it out for best effect. his name was Wayne King! true frickin story! haha! yes he did go on to have it legally changed. now the rest i cannot confirm. c'mon, he was a couple grades older n always looked set to explode under the weight of such a dubious moniker!! - but i was always told his dad was Joe King, his mother Fay King and his sister Lee King. LOL frikin lol... guess his parents never got the joke! p.s. don't get the wrong idea, i was always nice/respectful to him... peace.
 







Read these quotes before you decide to get married





You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. - I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
 
Since it started snowing all my mrs has done
is look through the bloody window.....if it gets
any worse I,ll have to let her in....:)
 
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades
and decided to take them to the cops
Mick;What if one explodes b4 we get there
Paddy;We,ll say we only found Two :p
 
After a night of drink drugs and wild sex
Tom woke to find himself next to the
ugliest woman he,d ever seen....

Thats when he realised, he,d made it home safely :)
 
Just recieved a parcel from holland today,i opened
it up and there was a Rubber virgina inside....i
thought,Thats nice......Two Lips from amsterdam :p
 
An American tourist asks an Irishman "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats ?"

To which the Irishman replies "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin’ boat"

lens2746772_1234980731Dive_Ireland.jpg
 
The Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned lady of joy, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"
 
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
 
Shanti, Nev and Arjan are on a tropical expedition to find an untapped source of land race genetics.

They hike deep into uncharted territory, when suddenly they are surrounded by a bunch of indigenous peoples!:eek:

They are tied up and taken to the tribal leader.

He explains how outsiders are usually skinned, boiled and eaten but he will give them one chance of survival if the length of their penises combined comes to exactly 20 inches.

after a hasty round of conferring our 3 intrepid explorers agree they have no choice but to take part in this test.

One by one they are taken out of the tent and returned shortly after.

Awaiting their fate and expecting the worst teh tribal leader enters the tent and exclaims they are free to go!!!!!

They walk off at a rather brisk pace and remark on their good luck.

"its a good job i got 10 inches" said shanti


"its a good job i got 9 inches" said nev




"and we were bloody lucky I had a hard on" said arjan.
 
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