Joke thread

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
 
Do you remember this one?

TaoismShit happens.
ConfucianismConfucius say, "Shit happens."
BuddhismIf shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen BuddhismWhat is the sound of shit happening?
HinduismThis shit happened before.
MormonismThis shit is going to happen again.
IslamIf shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.
StoicismThis shit is its own reward.
ProtestantismLet this shit happen to someone else.
CalvinismShit happens because you don't work hard enough.
PentecostalismIn Jesus' name, heal this shit!
CatholicismShit happens because you deserve it.
JudaismWhy does this shit always happen to us?
ZoroastrianismShit happens half the time.
MarxismThis shit is going to hit the fan.
AtheismNo shit.
Seventh Day AdventistNo shit on Saturdays.
ExistentialismAbsurd shit.
AgnosticismWhat is this shit?
NihilismWho gives a shit?
DeconstructionShit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian ScienceShit is in your mind.
MooniesOnly happy shit really happens.
Jehovah's WitnessesKnock, Knock, shit happens.
ScientologyShit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare KrishnaShit happens, Rama Rama.
HedonismThere's nothing like a good shit happening.
RastafarianismLet's smoke this shit.
 
Seems political jokes are pretty much the same the world over:

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be with the Australian Labor Party."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
"You must be with the Australian Liberal Party."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
 
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