Joke thread

noshow

Active member
Hey all lets start a joke thread. Maybe to help those having a not so good day have a laugh. Let's try our best to keep it clean, and civilized...Here is a start...



During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
 

Ouchie

New member
A white guy, a black guy, and a polish guy are working on a roof together. They sit down for lunch, the white guy opens his lunch sack. He says "A hot dog, if my wife packs me a hot dog for lunch again tomorrow... I'm jumping off this roof and killing myself." The black guy opens his lunch and says "Chicken, if my wife packs chicken in my lunch again tomorrow I'm jumping off this roof and killing myself." The polish guy opens his lunch and says "Polish Sausage, if I have polish Sausage in my lunch again tomorrow, I'm jumping off this roof and killing myself."

Well the next day at lunch, the white guy opens his lunch and says "A turkey sandwich, hurray I don't have to kill myself." The black guy opens his lunch and says "Ribs, hurray I don't have to kill myself." The polish guy opens his lunch and says "Damn, polish sausage again!" and then jumps off the roof and kills himself. The white guy and black guy both look at each other and say "Didn't he pack his own lunch?"
 
R

Resinfinger

Guest
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
 

noshow

Active member
haha

Keep em' comming friends...

Ouchie your wrong...10billion, and one named after him. I think mns has one named after him too. SHIT maybe...lol
 

Eddiesaw

New member
One of my younger days but still my favorite...


What do you get when you cross a rhino and an elephant ?

elephino. :)
 

noshow

Active member
Poen of Contradiction

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords, and shot each other
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too
 
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noshow

Active member
Poem of contradictions

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords, and shot each other
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blindman he saw it too

OOOps sorry for the repost I thought it didn't go thru....
 
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alecky

Member
Crawled into bed one really bad winters night bout 3am and very stoned,just fallin asleep when there was a knock at the door.
It was some bloke drenched to the skin with no jacket on,will ya give me a push he says,
fuck off i said and went back to bed where my wife gave out stink and told me to go help him that it could be me looking for a push some night.so out i went into the dark wet nite and said ok ill give ya a push where are ya?
over here on the swings he says.
 

alecky

Member
a young bull and an old bull standing on top of a hill looking down on a herd of cows,
the young bull says lets run down there and ride one of those cows,
the old bull says,lets walk down and ride them all!
 
J

jaybutta

Guest
Same Joke (Texas Version)

a young bull and an old bull standing on top of a hill looking down on a herd of cows,
the young bull says lets run down there and ride one of those cows,
the old bull says,lets walk down and ride them all!
You told my joke...and you told it wrong...:D

A pappa bull and his son are walking through a valley...they get to the top of a
hill and when they look down they see a herd of cows...baby bull says "pappa,
pappa, let's run down there and fu-k one of those cows"...pappa bull says,
"No, son...let's walk down there and fu-k them all."
 

amathystbuddah

New member
Doctor Joke after the style of Tommy Cooper

Went to the doctor the other day
The doctor says "Hello Tommy, Ive not seen you in a while"
"No", I says"Ive not been well!"

Actually by Phil Cornwell on Stella Street:D
 

noshow

Active member
haha

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist
fainted
 

Eddiesaw

New member
Disclaimer: This is rather graphic and can be offensive :)

So it's a friday night and a daughter wants to borrow her dads truck, so she ask him 'dad can i borrow the truck?' 'Sure honey' he replies 'but you know what you have to do.' 'But dad, i have to leave now' the girl cried. The father stood up and unzipped his pants and said "Now you know what you have to do to borrow the truck." So since she wanted the truck so bad she got down and started sucking him off, after a few seconds she stopped. "Dad, your cock taste like shit." she exclaimed,

'Oh yeah, I forgot i just loaned the truck to your brother
 

Elmer Bud

Banned
Nuns

3 nuns walkin down the street ,a flasher jumps out and opens his overcoat .2 nuns had a stroke whilst the other couldn`t quite reach it !
 
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
 

noshow

Active member
a joke

I have debated over telling this joke. So I will wrote this disclaimer. It can be offensive. It is not racist, or anything like that. Yet if anyone does find it offensive. Please shoot me a pm, and I will remove it. I have tried to think of how to change most words so here goes...



A man, and woman were riding in an elevator.
The man leans over, and sniffs a couple times very loudly...
He says...Excuse me ma'am can I smell your p***y?
She says....Hell NO...
The man the proclaims...Damn it must be your feet then...
 
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